Burn!!

Yesterday at this time we where all wondering what the hell Bill Parcells was thinking. Why would anybody who can pick and choose between jobs, want to go to Atlanta? Then we find that Parcells and Miami owner Wayne Huizenga agreed Wednesday on a four-year contract to be the Dolphins' vice president of football operations, according to ESPN, which employs the two-time Super Bowl-winning coach as an analyst. Parcells, is widely known as one of the best talent evaluators and team architects around.

The Miami Dolphins are currently 1-13, and rudely dashed all of our hopes for a perfectly horrific season of 0-16 by beating the very embarrassed Baltimore Ravens this past Sunday.

Man, it just keeps getting worse for the Falcons and it's owner Arthur Blank. Let's step back a few years, starting with when the team made it's first big game appearance at Super Bowl XXXIII, only to have their starting Safety Eugene Robinson to get busted with a hooker the night before, and then get romped by Denver 34-19.

Jamaal Anderson was the franchise RB featured on that Super Bowl team, only to have his career cut short by injury. No worries though, the Atlanta Falcons were able to trade up a secure franchise QB Michael Vick. All is well in Atlanta until they realized that Vick was 5 years into his career and outside of a handful of games, has been terrifically average. So the Falcons bring in Louisville Head Coach Bobby Petrino to turn things around, and help Michael Vick find himself as a player.

Petrino and Vick never got the chance due to those damn those laws that prevent humans from organizing, and betting on, dog fights. Michael Vick is doing 23 months in federal prison due to being convicted on charges steaming from organizing and financing a dog fighting ring. Which lead the Falcons with journeyman QB Joey Harrington after they traded their valued back-up Matt Schaub to Houston essentially minutes before the Michael Vick situation went down. Which leaves us with a 3 win team, with no direction and no place to go but up. WRONG! Bobby Petrino wanted no part of the NFL, specifically the Falcons so he high-tailed it out of there to take the University of Arkansas head coaching job.

It's a good thing the Atlanta sports fans are terrible, otherwise they could be upset, but I think they're just to busy either getting Krunk or wrapping themselves in diapers made from confederate flags. I love the south!

Knick fans are content.

New York Knicks fans angry over the team's losing streak rallied outside Madison Square Garden on Wednesday, holding aloft a giant pink slip and calling on management to fire coach Isiah Thomas.

Chanting "Fire Isiah! He's got to go! Good-bye!" two dozen irate fans signed the 8-by-4-foot pink placard urging Garden chief executive James Dolan to dump the coach, whose team is 7-17 going into Wednesday night's game with Cleveland.

Two dozen?!?!? That's it!!!?!?! I thought there would be at least 5 million people. As a Knicks fan I find that to be almost as disappointing as this sorry ass franchise. I guess the apathy has fully crossed over into the fan base now. Think of it, fans actually do not want to pay for the most expensive ticket in sports, to watch the worst team in sports. Human nature I tell ya, it's a wild and wacky thing.

Free shoes!! Free shoes!!

An academic cheating scandal could leave Florida State without as many as 25 players for its Music City Bowl game against Kentucky on New Year's Eve, coach Bobby Bowden said Tuesday. Many of the players who won't be going to Nashville could also be ruled ineligible for some games next season for their connection to a cheating scandal earlier this year.

The university reported its findings in a letter to the NCAA in September after a six-month investigation by the school revealed at least 23 athletes in various sports were interviewed in regard to cheating on an online music history exam.

At least two football players already have been penalized for their involvement. Defensive end Kevin McNeil missed the season and wide receiver Joslin Shaw missed the first four games.

Federal privacy laws prohibit the school from releasing names.

Wow, this is a shocker. I can't believe that FSU players have little to no academic integrity. This ranks up there with the outrage when we discovered that drunken college students hire strippers. Revolting I say. However, great excuse to use a pic of a female FSU "student", or as they say in academic circles - soft-core porn trainees.

"Jessica Simpson, THE Ohio State University!!"

The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Dallas Cowboys by a score of 10-6, yesterday afternoon at a chilly Texas Stadium.

The story of the game, Romo threw three picks. Brian Westbrook had another grinding, gutty performance. Jason Witten was the lone offensive force for Dallas with 8 catches for 113 yards. Donovan McNabb again looked like he was playing out the string in Philly, playing not to lose, and waiting to go to another team to hopefully revive his career. Of course, then there was TO. A frustrating 2 catch, 38 yard performance brought out the best in Terrell. The Cowboys got their glimpse of the sulking baby that is the real Owens for the first time this season. The big story though, was that Jessica Simpson was in the stadium.

I know!! I know! I couldn't believe it either, and thank god for FOX. I for one loved having her on the screen at all times. The stupid looks on her face were inspiring, and made me want to spend the day in a Heisman Trophy pose while wearing a leather helmet circa 1920.

Jessica Simpson may have a thought process that resembles a vacant lot, but god damn, she knows how to fill out a dress. I for one will raise my glass to her father Joe Simpson. Sir, thank you for whoring out your daughter. She is truly a national treasure.

Booooooo

Those big bad Baltimore Ravens ruined the perfect season.

Baltimore's Matt Stover's missed 44-yard field goal in overtime, was followed by Miami's Greg Camarillo's 64-yard touchdown reception, as the Dolphins beat the Ravens 22-16 Sunday.

Baltimore has the awesome distinction of possibly being Miami's only win this season. Way to ruin it for the rest of us. Aside from no longer being able to watch dubious history being made, we now have to listen the Dolphins crow for the rest of the week. God forbid they win another game. We'll then have to hear about the 'Phins somewhat salvaging a horrific season, and ending on a positive note. What might be a downside for the Dolphins is that a winless season would have most likely cost Cam Cameron his job, and he's just horrible.

At least the Pats won this week. They beat the Jets, so we'll have something to watch for the remainder of the seaon, especially with the playoff picture just about set in both conference's. I was going to put up a pic of a happy Dolphin player, but I prefer misery and scantily clad chicks, like professional British skank Keeley Hazell. Hooray for my preferences.

Forgive me Selig for I have sinned.

Andy Pettitte used human growth hormone to recover from an elbow injury in 2002, the New York Yankees pitcher admitted two days after he was cited in the Mitchell Report.
Pettitte said he tried HGH on two occasions, stressing he did it to heal faster and not enhance his performance. He emphasized he never used steroids. Pettitte returned to the Yankees last season and went 15-9. This month, he put off retirement and agreed to a $16 million, one-year contract to play for the Yankees next season.

"If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize," Pettitte said Saturday in a statement released by his agent. "I accept responsibility for those two days."

At least Andy didn't waste our time with lies and whining about how these accusations are completely false. I give some props to Pettitte, and any other player (Mota, Giambi) accused or found guilty of using performance enhancing substances, for admitting that they cheated. Like Barry Bonds for the past few years, Mark Mcgwire (who's to busy not talking about the past), and now Roger Clemens.

This is somewhat damning for Roger Clemens who introduced Pettitte to the trainer that gave him the HGH, and are best buddies. Indirectly, Andy Pettitte has thrown Clemens under the bus, and train, and that annoying neighbor's oversized-completely-obnoxious-excuse-for-a-small-penis-Hummer.

Pettitte claims that he only used the HGH to help him heal while he was on the DL in 2002, and wanted to get back to his team. This just in; my sources tell me that Roger Clemens is going to be holding a press conference where he will admit to using performance enhancing substances. His reasoning is that he has the ego the size of Barry Bonds' head, and that he wanted to see how much money he can extort from the Astro's and Yankees by claiming that he was the key to a World Series win. Only to perform well during the regular season, and forget to show up during the playoffs.

Oh, my source is my dog. She's been right before so please, let's not discount her. I promise, I didn't give her a treat until after she spilled the beans.

You Stay Classy.

Hopefully you were wise enough to side with John Anthony last night and went with the Texans, because as you noticed, "Houston" there was not a problem with the Apollo 13. Taking down the under 47 to go with the home dogs was a nice cash in as John Anthony hit for 5o large. 50 large. That is right, do not adjust your monitor.......the 900 King hit for $50 dollars last night bringing his 2007 NFL record to 16-5. Webster Slaughter, Haywood Jeffries, Warren Moon, and Al Del Greco were sipping the courvosier with the 900 King at the expense of Karl Mecklenberg and errrr, Gary Kubiak.

As for this weekend, we're going to the land of Ron Burgandy and Veronica Corningstone for our "Smarten Up" lock of the week, which righ now is a perfect "10 1/2". Get out the Roth IRAs and the Home Equity Lines of Credit, because this city's luck (a.k.a. A female whale's reproductive engine) has been "over charged". It won't be a "Merri-man" Christmas as he and LT2's portable blocking brick wall will be "Neal-ly" missed for this contest. This game will roll in like a Lion and out like a Lion. Screw March.

Put your hands up for Detroit......I love this city.

Shoot 'Em up Rocket Man

Which is bigger news? Is the Mitchell Report naming Hall of Famer(?) Roger Clemens amongst many others as those who bought and presumably used steroids. Or, is it that the Red Sox had announced that the club will not tender a 2008 contract to right-hander Brendan Donnelly. Oh, just kidding you bastard. We all know it's the much anticipated Mitchell Report. I think the only names that would have been a bigger story than Clemens rhyme with Mujols, Keeter, and J-Rod.

Over the last 8-9 years, the Clemens camp has been doing an unbelievable job positioning him as something he is not, a savior. (Before my Roger-bashing begins, for the record, I believe that in spite of the steroid allegations Roger Clemens is one of the best REGULAR season pitchers of all-time. In the post-season, outside of the 1 hit gem he threw in the 2000 ALCS against the Mariners, he was an above average pitcher (13-8 3.75 ERA in the post-season), and not the one you sign to $26 million for one season).

When Roger signed with the Yankees in 1999, they were coming off a 114 win, World Series season. They had scrappy, gritty players (Jeter, Brosius) clutch hitters (Bernie, O'Neill), a rotation of above average starters (Cone, Pettitte, El Duque), and a sick pen (Mo, Nelson, Staton). They did not need Clemens, he needed them. Roger went on to go 14-10 with an ERA above 4 in 1999, along with a 2-1 post-season recorded that included a 2 inning, 5 Run shellacking at the hands of the Red Sox. In 2000, he was more of an asset, but this all-time great was by far the 2nd or 3rd best pitcher in the rotation at best, and fifth or sixth best on the staff as a whole. But this was a team that scored 800+ runs and had David Justice coming off the bench with 20 HR and 60 RBI. Again, Roger was not the focal point of this teams success with a 13-8 record.

My point? The guy is a phony, always has been and now it's just proven further. According to the Mitchell Report, he was juicing when he was racking up the Cy Young's in Toronto. Then he was average in his first few Yankee seasons. Could this be without the steroids? Then became this machine over the next 6 seasons with the Yankees and the Astro's winning 88 games and two more Cy Young awards, all within the age range of 38-44.

The affect of steroids on pitchers hasn't really come into full focus yet. Does it add a few mph to the fastball? How many innings per start did the juice add, with the sped up recovery time? None the less, the legacy of Roger Clemens is tainted. Especially when you put him along the side the names aren't mentioned in that report, (i.e., Greg Maddux, Randy Johnson, Tom Glavine, etc.), all of whom had to, or tried to, reinvent themselves as their careers moved on.

Of course Roger denied it, why wouldn't he, he's been lying for 15 years.

You can see the full list here, and the report here.

On the verge......

I initially said that I was going to be bored by the Mitchell Report, that all this steroid stuff has become tedious and annoying. I really underestimated this. Just from the few names that have been leaked this morning, i.e., Roger Clemens, I am on the edge of my seat.

The Bergen Record (NJ) has reported that other prominent Yankees including Andy Pettitte are to be named on the list along with Clemens. No current members of the Mets are on the list, which is somewhat odd considering the whistle blower is a former Met clubhouse employee.

This is huge. The Yankees have the most to lose in this. If guys like Posada, Mariano, and wait for it, wait for it....Jeter, are named on this list that run they had from '95 to '00 is tainted. What's even worse is that some of these guys are still on the team. Plus the Yankees are a franchise that market themselves on tradition, and it's history, as much as they do with their current team.

If any of the Boston players from the last few years end up on the list it could be as equally as daunting. Other teams just need to worry about marquee players that are part of a franchises legacy. For instance Piazza with the Mets, Helton on the Rockies, Smoltz or Chipper on the Braves, etc, etc. I'm not accusing these players, just trying to give an idea.

It's a good thing I never juiced. I heard it can cause you to lose your hair, and have excessive hair growth on your back. Sigh. (I figure I need to balance out that pic of George Mitchell. I hope this lovely lady does the trick.)

900 King Looms Large

All you jockeys and pirates that have been hit heavy in the pants pockets with some bad NFL picks the last few weeks, have no fear. The Million Dollar Man is here to solve all of your gambling woes. Remeber, I don't want your money, I want your bookie's money. After a 4 week hiatus, Jon Anthony is here again to deliver the goods on the Hard Sinking Action Blog. Stay Tuned. Picks to come Soon. Push it heavy.

Cut loose....

Yesterday was the day that Major League teams had to offer arbitration to eligible players, or they would become a free agent. The big name on this list has to be Mark Prior, now formerly, of the Chicago Cubs.

Prior was supposedly on the block a few weeks ago, and we commented how a team would have to be nuts to give up anything short of a bag a balls, let alone prospects, for Prior. As a free agent, this could be a very low risk/high reward move. Prior has a stellar career record of 42-29 and a 3.51 earned-run average, which will garner him a deal somewhere.

Early speculation is that Prior will resign with the Cubs via a Minor League contract. He could also end up in his hometown of San Diego, where he is currently rehabbing. Although, you have to assume that Ace-hungry teams such as the Mets will be pursuing, and willing to give Prior a little more than most. I think Mark can expect a lot of interest, and should be ready to accept a performance based contract.

I'd sign him, why not? But then again, my only experience with signing free agents is when I worked at that Biloxi strip club for 4 months, The Jiggly Wiggly. You'd be surprised how easy it was to attract talent after we started offering day care for employees.

No gold for you!

The IOC formally stripped Marion Jones of her five Olympic medals Wednesday, wiping her name from the record books following her admission that she was a drug cheat. The International Olympic Committee also banned the disgraced American athlete from attending next year's Beijing Olympics in any capacity and said it could bar her from future games.

In a moment of great fore site, Jones had already handed back her the 2 gold and 3 bronze medals that she had one in Sydney. What really sucks is that Jones' teammates in the relays she's run, are erased from the record books as well. From my understanding, these non-substance abusing former Olympians are mighty pissed and aren't going to give up these medals without a fight.

I'm really pretty tired of anything steroids at this point, so you can imagine how ecstatic I am knowing that we are only moments away from being consumed with baseball's Mitchell Report. I think the silver lining from this whole issue is that Marion Jones, who was a NCAA All-American PG at UNC, never played a game in the WNBA even though she was drafted. The last thin we need is to have the WNBA's rep sullied. There are possibly dozens (generous estimate) of people out there who's hearts would just be shattered into pieces. Rather sad really.......really, really sad actually.

From Tokyo with love.......

Japanese outfielder Kosuke Fukudome and the Chicago Cubs reached a preliminary agreement Tuesday on a $48 million, four-year contract. Fukudome was the 2006 Central League MVP, batting .351 with 31 homers and 104 RBIs. He recently told the Dragons he wouldn't return next season, saying he wanted to move to the major leagues.

Fukudome was considered one of the best outfielders in Japanese baseball. The 30-year-old slugger was a key member of the Japan team that won the inaugural World Baseball Classic in March 2006. He had surgery on his right elbow in August and sat out the Japan Series, but has 192 homers and a .305 batting average over nine seasons with the Chunichi Dragons, who won their first championship in 53 years this past November.

I take Japanese players with a grain of salt. Ichiro is a rare find, he's arguably one of the greatest pure hitters of all time. Hideko Nomo had a stellar career that included the Rookie of the Year award and a no-hitter, but overall was a serviceable average pitcher. Yankee Outfielder Hideki Matsui is also a successful major league player, but signs of ware and tear of the longer and more rigorous MLB season have taken it's toll on him the last few seasons.

The book is out on many current Japanese imports, but the bigger story here is the continuous borderline reckless spending by the Cubs. Over the past two seasons they gave a huge $100 million + contract to Soriano that will pay him through his 40th birthday. Big $10 million a year contracts to hit or miss pitchers Jason Marquis and Ted Lily (in all fairness, Lily was the rock in their rotation during the 2007 season). Of course the Zambano extension was a no-brainer, but they have crippled themselves in some sense. Going forward they might have to sit out of the bidding of attractive free agents just because another $70 - $100 million is just not feasible. Especially if they aren't winning.

Of course, I am a man of different cultural tastes and enjoy seeing baseball's continued international appeal. The talent pool has become diluted with expansion over the past 10-15 years and foreign talent is needed.

Foreign talent is also needed in my current dating pool. Consider me a diplomat, and my hip apartment with velvet wall paper, black lighting, and a Barry White shrine to be the UN of love. FYI - I don't know who this lovely Japanese woman is, but I don't think her name is important for our purposes.

Arkansas over Atlanta??

Bobby Petrino resigned as Atlanta Falcons coach on Tuesday with the team mired in last place in the NFC South Division with a 3-10 record, the Falcons said on their Web site.

Apparently, Petrino stepped aside after less than one year at the helm to take the head coaching job at the University of Arkansas. Petrino stepped away from a 10 year, $25 million extension at Louisville to take the Atlanta Falcon job.

Yet another college coach who bit off more than he can chew. It really doesn't take a super genius like myself to know that dealing with a high priced professional athlete and his personal eye-brow waxers is much different than a 18 year old college baller.

What's next for the Falcon's? From the way things are going I'm expecting one of the LB's to publicly deny the Holocaust or down play the affects of 9/11. On that note, here's a hot chick in an American flag bikini. I am a true patriot, and of course, so is she.

Shalom Homeys.

Yet another fabulous Hanukkah season has come to an end. Since we are primarily a sports centric site we're hoping Ryan Braun, Kevin Youkilis, Larry Brown, and many others had 8 glorious nights.

Mel Kiper Fan Club

College sport mecca site, Rivals.com, has released it's first mock draft results. Yes we're still playing the 2007 NFL regular season, and the first bowl game is played in 10 days. You have to be Mel Kiper on speed to take this with more than a grain of salt.

For what it's worth, they have LSU DT Glenn Dorsey going first to the Dolphins, Arkansas perennial Heisman candidate RB Darren McFadden going 2nd to the Patriots (yeah, they need help), and UVa Defensive End Chris Long going 3rd to the Rams. Yes, Chris Long is Howie Long's son. Louisville Brian Brohm is the first QB chosen in this mock draft, going 5th to Atlanta reuniting with his college head coach, Bobby Petrino.

Other notables; Boston College QB Matt Ryan at 11 going to the Bears. LSU Wideout Early Doucet going to Denver with the 15th pick to help out young QB Jay Cutler, and Michigan WR Mario Manningham to Tampa Bay with pick number 24.

Second round notables are Hawaii QB and Heisman candidate Colt Brennan at 39 to Baltimore, and USC QB John David Booty going to Jacksonville with the 58th pick. Of course after the bowl games start being played more underclassmen will declare, and this mock draft will be for nothing, but hey that's the fun of it. Call me after the Pats win the Super Bowl and we need something to talk about.

Hard time.

Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison Monday for his role in a dogfighting conspiracy that involved gambling and killing pit bulls.

The suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback could have been sentenced up to five years by U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson. Vick, who turned himself in Nov. 19 in anticipation of his sentence, was wearing a black-and-white striped prison suit.

Apparently during the sentencing the judge asked Vick if he was remorseful for disappointing all the young kids that looked up to him. Vick acknowledged he used "poor judgment" and added, "I'm willing to deal with the consequences and accept responsibility for my actions."

Awesome, so now we can move on with our lives. Mike, enjoy your time up in the cut (see how up with the hip-hop lingo I am), and best of luck with avoiding that whole bitch and shiv thing. Oh, the chick? Lynette Chico, it was either her or a pic of Mike Vick getting his hair braided by his new best friend, "Tonya."

Symmetry

The New England Patriots stayed unbeaten with a 34-13 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. Tom Brady threw four touchdown passes, Randy Moss caught two and Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who guaranteed his team would win, was burned on two long scoring throws.

Meanwhile a few miles west the Bills completed a 38-17 beat down, handing Miami its 13th straight defeat to start the season, of course keeping them winless.

A tale of two quarterbacks. Somewhere Tom Brady is sitting back, relishing his 4 TD tosses and being admired by his model girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Then there's rookie QB John Beck out of BYU, who's really wishing he went on that missionary trip to the Philippines right about now. Wait, did somebody say Gisele Bundchen? Picture time, I like the banana....very primitive, makes me want to throw on the cheetah pattern loin clothe that I picked up at Prada. So fashionable, yet so comfy.

Pretty Boy Floyd

Floyd Mayweather Jr. outfought Ricky Hatton in their heavily hyped bout Saturday night for the WBC welterweight title, stopping him at 1:35 of the 10th round via TKO.

Mayweather knocked Hatton down twice in the 10th. He landed a left hook in the corner that landed on the jaw. Hatton went head first into the corner pad and then was down. He was in serious jeopardy of not making it up. Mayweather attacked as soon as Hatton got back to his feet, and landed two lefts and a right and Hatton was down again. His corner threw in the towel and referee Joe Cortez waved it off.

Where the hell was this Mayweather when he fought De La Hoya? He remembered to hit Hatton, as unfortunate as that may be for Ricky. While this fight may have been more action packed and entertaining than the Mayweather/De La Hoya bought, the 24-7 eps on HBO were nowhere near as entertaining without Floyd Sr. and not enough Roger Mayweather. I just can't get over the broken English and punch drunk view of the world. Pure entertainment.

Saint Tebow

Tim Tebow beat out Arkansas running back Darren McFadden, the first player since 1949 to finish second in consecutive seasons, to win the 2007 Heisman Trophy. Tebow received 1,957 points and 462 first-place votes to McFadden's 1,703 points and 291 first-place votes. Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan was third, and Missouri quarterback Chase Daniel fourth.

Tebow, who is the first major college player to run for 20 touchdowns and throw 20 TD passes in the same season, grew up working in a Philippine orphanage until he was 15. His parents are missionaries.

"Tim Tebow is the real American hero," said Tebow's high school football coach, Craig Howard. "He's the real deal."

What do I comment on first? Okay, the Heisman Trophy winning QB at the University of Florida is deeply religious. Which means that I can only assume that the guy who should be sleeping with at least 3-4 woman a day, isn't. Wow, this just blows my mind. I think God actually disapproves of Tebow not shedding off co-eds like it's his job. I actually think it is his job. Somewhere Matt Leinart is laughing.

As far as being a real American hero? It's true, 1 yard TD runs save over half a million people a year. Please give, and help support your local obnoxious, narrow minded High School football coach today!!