The death rattle.

This chick on the cover of this issue of Maxim is Heidi Montag, one of the stars of MTV's "reality" show, The Hills.

From this it's pretty safe to say that Maxim has come to the end of the line. They ran through every A-list actress, legit bikini model, musician, and sitcom star that would appear on the cover and within the issue scantily clad, and saying things like, "I love men who are chunky and drink beer." Lying bitches.

Anyway, so now we come to butta-face, pseudo reality stars that nobody seems to care about on the cover of this formerly prominent men's magazine. But hey, at least she "bares her claws" within the issue. I'm sure she has a lot to say, no really, I can't wait to read it. I heard the next issue is that skanky chick from Rock of Love. You know, the former stripper with the bad tattoo's....no, the other one.

Apparently God hates both Heath and Fags.

The Westboro Baptist Church, made famous by protesting the funerals of fallen American servicemen and victims of AIDS, has spoken out on the passing of Heath Ledger.

You might know this congregation from their other name, the "God Hates Fags" people. There's this great documentary about these dipshit's called "Fall From Grace." It's basically them rambling for 90 minutes, and proving their insanity. It's actually pretty fascinating.

It's sort of like watching the slow kid in your class compete in a spelling bee. Your kind of scared that he'll get a word that you missed correct, which results in your world spiraling into a mad descent. But in the end, he's still a retard, and your only slightly stupid, leaving you superior. That's what the movie is like. You hope that they never make sense, even though your 99.9% sure they won't, and when the movie ends your slightly relieved that you think of them as bigger assholes than before.

Anyway, they'll protest Heath Ledgers funeral, making the day more delightful and fun for his family friends. What good hearted souls they.

Who's yo daddy?

A Vietnamese woman searching for her father worked at his home in Taiwan for seven months without realising who he was before the relationship came to light, her father and police said Tuesday.

Tran Thi Kham, 40, travelled to Taiwan in 2005 hoping to find her biological father, who's name is Tsai Han-chao, he fell in love with her Vietnamese mother in Hong Kong in 1967, police said.



Tran was hired by Tsai in Taipei county to look after his paralysed wife and was reassigned by an agency to a family on the offshore Kinmen island seven months later, after the woman died.
After arriving in Kinmen, Tran realised that she had left a bag containing her father's ring and photo in her ex-employer's home and asked the local police for help, the police in Kinmen said.



Obviously the guy recognized his old ring and the picture of himself from 40 years ago. It's a good thing this guy's not a stereotypical old man that likes to grab the ass of random nurses, and make snide comments with sexual overtones that begin with, "If only I was 30 years younger...." Old men love sexual harassment. Man, the things you can get away with while wearing a diaper.

Look ma, links!!!!!!

Some links to some crap around the internet.

The major downside of a two week break in between the Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl, are the story lines that the media is forced to run with. Deadspin very accurately has listed a few of the storylines most of us are already sick of. At least we don't have to hear "Brett Favre is God" stories for the next two weeks. I like the guy, but he can kick a puppy in the face while shitting in a wheelchair of one of Jerry's Kid's and America would still love him. It's unbearable.

If you have the need to devote your life to anything and everything Heath Ledger, Gawker has put everything into one place, wrapped with a nice, little bow.

I used to not like Jerry O'Connell for whatever reason, but that fat kid from Stand By Me effin rules. From Funny-Or-Die, the video below is a nice little parody of Tom Cruise, and the the inane vapid personality that is possessed by Cruise, and just about everybody else in Hollywood. Yes, O'Connell is a working and actor and who knows how many jobs he lost with this. But it's not like he had many options anyway.

Heath Ledger is dead.

Heath Ledger, the 28-year-old actor who gravitated toward dark, brooding roles that defied his leading-man looks, was found dead Tuesday in a Manhattan apartment, face-down and naked at the foot of his bed with prescription sleeping pills nearby, police said. There was no obvious indication that the Australian-born Ledger had committed suicide, NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

Ledger will be seen this summer in The Dark Knight, the follow-up to Batman Begins. From the trailers that have been released/leaked onto the Internet, the movie looks sick, and the few shots of Ledger gives the impression that he knocked that role out of the ballpark. Not the easiest job considering whatever he does will be compared to what Jack Nicholson did in the same role, in Tim Burton's Batman.

Curiosity about Ledger's final performance will likely stoke further interest in the summer blockbuster. "Dark Knight" director Christopher Nolan said earlier this month that Ledger's Joker would be wildly different from Nicholson's.

"It was a very great challenge for Heath," Nolan said. "He's extremely original, extremely frightening, tremendously edgy. A very young character, a very anarchic presence that taps into a lot of our basic fears and panic."

I feel for Heath's 2 year old daughter and his family. I'm not going to concern myself with the cause of his death. What I find to be fascinating is the race of statement releases amongst the Hollywood community. So far John Travolta is in the lead, telling EXTRA, “He is one of my favorite actors. His abilities are rare...it’s a tremendous loss."

Somebody protect Ledger's daughter, I hear Dr. Phil's grossness heading right for her, trying to exploit.....uh, produce.....a 6 part special out of this.

The Oscars will not change your life.

The 2008 Oscar nominations have been announced, and you can find the complete list here.

I've been slacking lately and haven't seen many of these movies, so I can't give any educated guess regarding the nominees. Although I guarantee that chick from Juno wins for Best Actress. The academy loves teenage pregnancies, especially out of wedlock. Soulless bastards.

Off the top of my head, the biggest snubs could be Angelina Jolie for her performance in "A Mighty Heart," and Robert Downey in "Zodiac" (actually just about anything in Zodiac, great flick). From what I have read, if just about every category isn't won by "No Country For Old Men" or "There Will Be Blood," the Oscars would be a travesty. I'm hoping the writers strike is over soon so the Oscars go through as planned.

There's no way I can survive without seeing Hollywood congratulate themselves with $5,000 gowns, and Ryan Seacrest do his best Joan Rivers impression on the red carpet. Not to mention the best dressed lists. Those are like butter and heaven mixed together. Deeeeelish and sinful.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

We didn't win awards for our social concious because we gave a half-eaten ham sandwich to that homeless guy two weeks ago.

It's the 40th anniversary of Dr. Kings death, and his accomplishments and sacrifice should be regarded more than just a day off from school and work.

A whole new level of insanity, yet again.

Apparently Britney Spears has become British. I read of this new illness in one of the medical journals I read daily. It's called being white trash with way too much money.

I love this whole split personality thing. The nuttier Brit(ah ha, get it) acts, the hotter she becomes for some crazy reason. I dont understand why. Maybe it's that she's worth $50 million, and just about any idiot with douschbag sensibilities can marry her. All it seems to take is winning her a cupie doll at the county fair. If you get the chance, be a romantic, and throw in a couple of fried snicker bars as well. Yeah that's right, I know how to do it classy like.

Tears of idiocy.

It's mid-January, and March Madness is right around the corner. It's the time of year when many college basketball teams start looking at their resumes, and hoping to have the one or two big win that will take them from the bubble to the tournament.

Maryland, who is now 12-7, was able to hang on an beat # 1 UNC by the score of 82-80. UNC is in the tournament, no questions. With this win, a 17 or 18 win Maryland team is a lock for tourney. Good for them, but that's not the story here.

One, two, three loss college basketball teams are commonplace. Teams on that level take the next few weeks to fine tune for the Conference tournament, and ultimately March Madness. I'm sure on some level Roy Williams doesn't mind getting that first loss out of the way. The world is not ending, but please don't tell these broads 40 second into the below clip.

I like a good woman who knows how to talk sports. I also like a good woman who feels the need to wear rubber maid outfits while serving me ice cream. But that's just off topic. These UNC chicks are just fools, and many fear that this might threaten the legitimacy that 80+ years of voting has brought women.

Insert cliched Man(ning) pun here.

This is a blog, I do not have to be an impartial observer, although I try to when necessary. In the case of my Giants going to the Super Bowl I feel that I need to give a big ass "Fuck yeah!" It's about time I get to watch the Super Bowl with some vested interest. I also need to chuckle at those so called experts that have been riding the Giants obituary since the Patriots game.

The esteemed ESPN panel, who I actually like for the most part, went a collective 0-12 when picking the 3 Giant playoff games. I think Emmit Smith's head would explode if he had to pick an NFC East team not called the Cowboy's. The gentlemen on FOX went 1-8, with Bradshaw picking the Giants in the Green Bay game. CBS? I don't know, every time Dan Marino speaks I feel myself getting dumber, so I choose not to watch. The guys on the NFL Network, who knows. All anybody can confirm is that Deion Sanders is most likely kissing some active players ass to make sure he gets an invitation to Julian Peterson's birthday party.

The game.

First, did anybody expect Lawrence Tynes to hit that game winning FG after missing his last two kicks. From 47 yards no less. Talk about goat to hero. His two misses were from within 40 yards.

The talk was about the weather, and justifiably so. However, it seems that the rugged veteran Brett Favre had more trouble dealing with the cold than young pup Eli Manning. Manning looked solid. He was accurate with his throws, and didn't make those mistakes his detractors wait for. Plaxico Burress ate up the Packer secondary. Al Harris played as well as anybody can while getting their ass handed to him. Plax was just better. As was Toomer and Steve Smith, who is making his mark in the playoffs.

Regarding the running game, it wasn't mind blowing, but it was consistent. Outside of a handful of carries, the runs were for positive yardage, kept the clock moving, and forced the defense to make plays. The Packers on the other hand, had no running game to speak of. Ryan Grant, who pealed off 200 yards against a reeling Seattle Defense in the snow, had a 13 yard run late in the game, and that's about it. Grant ended with 29 yards rushing, while his Giant counterparts and ex-teammates Brandon Jacobs & Ahmad Bradshaw ran for 67 and 63 yards respectively. Bradshaw had a 40 yard TD run called back on a weak holding call, that was behind the play. (Sorry, I believe my bias is showing).

Back to Favre. The Giant Defense game plan was to force Favre to beat them. Take way the run game, and bring out the free wheeling gun slinger mentality that Favre loves to show off. It worked. The Giant secondary played well despite a 90 yard TD play that was really the only sign of life for the Packers. The Linebackers played out of their minds as they've been all postseason, and of course that dominant pass rush had pressure of Favre all game, even though they did not record a sack.

The Giants will play the Patriots in the Super Bowl. The Giants lost to the Pats 38-35 during the last week of the season. Go Blue.

This is why I'm warm...I mean hot.

It's a 3 day weekend thanks to the revered Civil Rights pioneer Dr. Martin Luther King. Tell me, what's more civil than the right to scream at grown men of varying races while they smack each other in the mouths, all for the love of sport.

As for the games. It's going to be frickin' freezing in both Foxboro and Green Bay, and I feel for the fans in the stands, especially the Giant fans that made the trek to Wisconisin. They're used to 25 degrees as being cold, they don't have that extra 35 pounds of bratwurst and sausage to keep them warm, like the Packer fans.

The Pats are giving 14 points, and due to a rare drop by Wes Welker, haven't covered a spread in forever. However, I'm going to go out on a limb and take the Pats with the points. The Bolts could be considered a live dog, but it was only 2 days ago that they were practicing in shorts. Tomlinson is banged up and Gates is a game time decision. I don't think Rivers is a winner, but he's playing well and he's comfortable within that offense. I don't believe weather to be as huge a factor as others, since both teams play in it, but the difference between 79 and 3 degrees is just to ridiculous. While we'r eont he topic. Is there a more unlikable team in football. I know I have said this before, but it's just so annoying to watch them. Small victories, two plays after Merriman sacked Peyton Manning last week, and did his obnoxious dance, the Colts went deep and scored a TD. I wonder how Tomlinson is going to complain after this loss.

Oh, and lets not forget the other team - Brady (enforcing the Brady rule in this post, say the name and get a Gisele pic), Moss, Welker, Stallworth, Faulk, Maroney, and that bend-don't-break-defense.

On top of the on the field stuff, you can't make any money picking the underdog in a Pats game at this point. Most legit books have you getting $110 for every $100 you bet, and if you have a bookie that gives you a better line, while you place your bet say your good-byes, because he's going out of business.

In the NFC, I am going to take the Giants taking the 7 points. Again, both teams are playing in this ridiculously cold weather, which is -20 with the wind chill. These so-called experts love to point to Favre and his big game experience, and rightfully so. But they fail to mention that outside of Favre, the Packers have the youngest team in the NFL. Like the Giants, and most other NFL teams, Green Bay is made up of kids who grew up, or played college ball, in the south. I also love the, "Giants didn't know what they were giving up when they traded Grant to the Packers," comments. It was him or Ahman Bradshaw, and if it was Bradshaw we'd be hearing , "the Giants didn't know what they were giving up when they traded Bradshaw to the Packers."

Okay, my bias is showing. Regardless, I think the Giants have as good a shot as the Packers in this game. It'll definitely be within a TD, therefore taking the G-Men with the points......and possibly outright.

Go Blue. Our fans are in better shape......respectively!

Racism resembles a 9 iron

Golfweek magazine replaced the editor responsible for illustrating the current cover with a noose and apologized Friday for its depiction of a Golf Channel anchor's use of "lynch" in a comment about Tiger Woods.

"We apologize for creating this graphic cover that received extreme negative reaction from consumers, subscribers and advertisers across the country," Turnstile Publishing Co. president William P. Kupper Jr. said. "We were trying to convey the controversial issues with a strong and provocative graphic image. It is now obvious that the overall reaction to our cover deeply offended many people. For that, we are deeply apologetic."

Turnstile is the parent company of Golfweek.

Wow, the media that covers golf is trying really hard to scare off anybody who's tasted a chitlin. I understand that Golfweek was commenting on the remarks made by Kelly Tilghman of the Golf Channel, joke. Has anybody heard of tact and tastefulness? I can't imagine has a readership of higher than 56-57 people a week and none of them black, so I can see how they weren't expecting such an outcry.

I'm somewhat disappointed though. Why not go the whole nine yards with a cover like that. Throw in an article saying that the mini-series Roots was horrible, revisionist history. An editorial about hip-hop culture and how they fund Al Queda. Claim Al Sharpton to be the logical successor to Dr. Martin Luther King. Call me nit picky, but I just don't like watching something done half-ass.

The big check mate.

Bobby Fischer, the reclusive chess genius who became a Cold War hero by dethroning the Soviet world champion in 1972 and later renounced his American citizenship, has died. He was 64.

Fisher died in a Reykjavik hospital on Thursday of kidney failure after a long illness, his spokesman, Gardar Sverrisson, said Friday.

Fischer lost his world title in 1975 after refusing to defend it against Anatoly Karpov. He dropped out of competitive chess and largely out of view, emerging occasionally to make erratic and often anti-Semitic comments, although his mother was Jewish.

Seems that Fischer couldn't go with the ole Knight to Rook 6 to get out of this jam. Ah chess metaphors, they work so well since nobody knows what the hell your talking about. I once played chess. It was going well until I realized that I could be sitting on the couch, watching TV, and stuffing my face with delectable trans fats. That, or starting my own porn production company, "Classy Lee's Classless Films". It's all about truth in advertising.

(Oh, the artsy pic of that girl. In honor of this wack job dying in Iceland I have decided to put a pick of a Iclandic chick as opposed to the bearded weirdo).

My apologies to Eminem, and all of hip-hop. Actually, all of music.

Apparently there's an up and coming teen country sensation named Taylor Swift (who isn't to shabby in the looks department). Don't fret, I'm the Vice president of Music and I haven't even heard of her. Anyway, during a concert at what looks like, and most likely is, a county fair she covered part of Eminem's "Lose Yourself". Which is the Oscar winning song featured in the movie "8 Mile", which starred Eminem and everybody's favorite Black TV doctor, Mekhi Pfeifer.

If you watch the video below, the cover only goes up tot he 2 minute mark. After that I suggest you stop viewing. I like how the guitar player gets into it during the opening of the song by jumping up and down in one spot. Ridiculous. Does everything having to do with country music be the exact opposite of progressive and ground-breaking. It's like first there was Patsy Cline, then Johnny Cash and Elvis, and then country musicians decided to stop inovating and said, "Fuck it, let's have every country song sound the same way. Who'll notice?"

Randy Travis, that's who noticed. Both he, his nice car, his inability to write a decent song. and his lack of talent thank you.

Supporting family values.

U.S. President George W. Bush's daughter Jenna and her fiance, Henry Hager, will marry on May 10, People magazine reported on its Web site on Wednesday, citing two sources it did not identify.

The wedding will be held at the president's 1,600-acre (646-hectare) ranch in Crawford, Texas, one source told the magazine. A spokeswoman for first lady Laura Bush said she could not confirm the report and had no comment on it.

Over the last 16 years we had the very patriotic opportunity to watch the daughters of members of the executive branch grow up. Blossom, would be the term perverts might use. From Chelsea Clinton, to the Gore girls, and now the Bush twins.

Chelsea was never a looker, but she always came off as ridiculously smart. Intelligent to the point that you'd cry with shame after talking to her. Only to feel better about yourself because you realize that you prefer your women hot and dumb.....uh, I mean classy and uncomplicated. The Gore daughters where teenagers and older, but it was nice to see wholesome blonde chicks run around the campaign trail. Finally we get to the Bush twins.

There's still a debate as to which one is the smart one, and which one is the pretty one. What a let down those girls are. There was such promise after all those underage drinking issues when they were in college, running around like the spoiled brats they are. You know that if they where regular chicks from Texas they'd be knocked up or have a meth problem by now.....or both.

Jenna Bush sort of looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid, so I imagine this guy who she's marrying, fellow 1 percenter Henry Hager (see fun info here), must get off on the whole daughter of the President thing. I wonder if he has an exit strategy.......ZING!!!! Seriously, he better. You see what the Grandma looks like. Oof, that's a future where you wish for strong and aggresive cancer.

Being David Spade does not suck.

It appears comedian David Spade, 43, is going to be a father -- or so claims the pregnant former Miss March 2006, 22 year old Jillian Grace, 36-24-36 (because that's important), according to the bastion of journalistic integrity TMZ.com. Spade confirms he had a "brief relationship" with Grace, and says: "If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility." By the way, the "brief relationship" mentioned above, is a nice way of saying banging in the back of an Escalade.

Jillian Grace was discovered by the Howard Stern Show when her mother called in asking that the Stern Show crew evaluate her, then 18 year old, daughter. I'm a devoted Stern fan, and remember this vividly. At one point, during her visit, they mentioned that when she hangs out at the Playboy Mansion she has to promise them that she does not sleep with Paulie Shore, Scott Baio and...drum roll...David Spade.

But talk about sand in the KY. Spade is a 5 foot, 5 inch snarky brat, who I happen to be a big fan of. But let's be real, like most celebrities, he's not getting the high caliber ass without his position in life. Hey good for him, he worked hard at his craft and therefore "deserved" to have bagged blonde bombshell extraordinaire Heather Locklear, super-cutie Julie Bowen, obviously a bevy of Playboy Playmates, and many, many more.

I had a point that I was trying to make, but when I got to the Heather Locklear part I went into a blind rage. Does rubbing alcohol get bile out of shag carpet?

The greatest story ever.

A four week old polar bear cub opened it's eyes for the first time at the Nuremburg City Zoo. The polar bear cub had to be taken from it's mother since zoo officials feared that the mother might eat her cub. The mother was showing signs of being upset and confused, zookeepers said. The Nuremberg City Zoo's other polar bear ate its own two offspring earlier this week.

I wish humans ate their young. Yes, there's a good chance that we would have lost some of our most important and influential people, like Stalin and myself. Not that we can impliment this as a law, but think how it'd help the impoverished. Not only would they no longer be hungry, but they would have one less mouth to feed. Makes perfect sense to me. Remind me to give Cheney a call.

I do enjoy that this took place at the Nuremberg City Zoo. Imagine your legacy as a city is hanging Nazi's and baby polar bears. Epic.

Read this crap

Some links to stories across the vastness that is the world wide web.

Rachel Bilson is on the cover of GQ and much hotter, and patriotic, than I thought. I wish life had an air-brush.

There's a lot on the sloppy hot mess Britney Spears, and her supposed suicide note. Including personal fav Tyler Durden. Wow, how unbelievably huge would that be. You think your sick of the Queen of White trash now, imagine if she offed herself. It would never stop. For all our sake's, please don't do it.

The King of Men, Tom Brady takes a few seconds out of his awesome day to defend Tony Romo, and his trip to Cabo. QB's stick together, and Tom looks out for his people. this was Brady basically telling Romo to drop the washed-up, redneck pop star, and her star effing family. Take it from Tom and myself, dating supermodels is just way better.

Tom Cruise was awarded some sort of medal from the Church of Scientology, and then went on to make an insane speech. I'm glad we live in a country where a complete maniac can be worth a ton of money, and anoint himself a medical professional because he made a movie about a bartender 20 years ago. Well, I did enjoy Cocktail on second thought, Elisabeth Shue is delightful. Do you think this makes Scientology All-Star John Travolta jealous?

The people of Green Bay are truly enlightened. Football before Church, without question.

Dinosaurs would have loved Ricki and Montel.

LiveScience.com reports that Dinosaurs became sexually active as half-grown adolescents and were able to get pregnant as early as age 8, according to a new study.

Scientists also found that there where higher gang rates among the Stegosaurus and Triceratops than other dinosaurs. They weren't sure the reason for this other than a poor education system, and drug addiction among parenting and authority figures.

Many say it was a rapid decline once the crack rock hit the tar pits. South Central Pangaea was never the same.

Jessica Simpson is gay friendly

Here's Jessica Simpson, fresh off of successfully jinxing the Dallas Cowboys playoff hopes, with some random drag queen she met on the street. Such a kind heart attached to that dumb little head.

Oh, Dallas fans. It seems that Pimp Joe Simpson might have been the one to leak the photo's of the Romo/Simpson vaction to Cabo. It's nice to see that he keeps his daughter's exposure at an all time high, regardless of what unecessary insanity it brings to others. How 'bout them Cowboys.