The boob tube for Thursday

What most of us will be watching/DVRing tonight.....

-More American Idol audition annoyance. NYC and San Juan are the destinations tonight. Thankfully, the drama queens go center stage next week in Hollywood. 8:00 on Fox. New season of Hell's Kitchen, right after Idol. More Brits screaming about food.

-One of my favs, Burn Notice, tonight at 10 on USA

-The Office and 30 Rock are reruns tonight, and still probably a better option than many other programs.

-Great segue.......for the chicks; new Private Practice at 10.

-For those who love train wrecks - Sober House and Confessions of a Teen Idol on VH1.

-CSI with hearthrob Laurence Fishburne taking over the reigns.

-Basketball action; on ESPN Mich. St at Iowa, on ESPN2 Clemson at Va. Tech and big regular season game with the Cavs at the Magic on TNT.

Hip-hop video of the day

Beatnuts........JuJu and Psycho Les gotta love it.

Yay for feminism.

The economy sucks for all shapes and sizes, rich and poor, thin and morbidly obese, and the funny and annoyingly serious alike. Everybody is making cut-backs now-a-days, from going out to eat less often, to cancelling online porn subscriptions. Apparently the demographic that is being hit the hardest are the wives and girlfriends of bankers.

To help these annoying women cope with having to cut back on their Bergdorf and Bloomy shopping sprees is the support group Dating a Banker Anonymous, you can check out their site here. I think it's disturbing it is that these chicks wear "proud to be a gold digger" on their sleeves, let's first acknowledge that millions of people with addictions (drugs, alcohol, eating issues, etc) use support groups daily to help cope with staying clean and sober. I find a meeting of people saying things like "I went to Milan 4 times in like 6 months...now life sucks" to be ridiculously shallow, and is pushing me to say the "C" word.

Yeah that's right....cake. You know I'm on a strict diet, and these vapid broads make me so mad I just want to go pig out swallow some Enternmans double fudge, with a pound cake chaser.

Gawker articles from here, as it was my main source.

Porn without the choking, gagging, and punching.

Also know as "PG Porn", it's pretty effin funny if you haven't seen these yet, I recomend for a quick chuckle. Here are two of the episodes.

Roadside Ass-sistance Girls SPIKE.com

Nailing Your Wife Girls SPIKE.com

Life changing links.

- People throughout Kentucky and Arkansas could be left without power until mid February due to recent ice storms. Damn that sucks, they'll not only miss the Hollywood round on Idol, but they will be so effin lost trying to catch up with LOST, (pun intended by series the creators).

- Somali pirates hijacked a German gas tanker off the Horn of Africa. No word if the pirate captain had a peg leg or parrot...details ahead.

-The NY Times reports that prosecutors have a piss test linking Barry Bonds to steroids. Are we really still talking about this crap?

- NFL choke artist star, Cowboy QB Tony Romo apparently cheats on his girlfriend Jessica Simpson when she leaves town to do some ground breaking field research.

- Hollywood in all their wisdom are remaking the Oscar winning classic Bonnie & Clyde, with famed thespian Hillary Duff (pic above), and original stars Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty are effin pissed.

Lady and the Tramp remake??

This is a picture of Gene Simmons of KISS sharing a meal with prop comic and annoying weird-o Carrot Top. I have no idea why this is happening, outside of both of them desperately needing some publicity. I get a feeling that there will be a fight to the death after they eat, with the winner eat the losers head. In that case I'll root for Gene Simmons. I have no reason other than I have seen Carrot Top's routine. As you sit in your cubicle and know what the freak does for a living, and then realize he's a multi-millionaire, you'll experience what we like to call homicidal rage. Don't suppress those feelings, use them to your advantage. Go kill a bum and then eat his heart....you'll be doing both you,the bum, and social services a favor.

The boob tube for Wednesday

What most people will be watching/DVRing.....

• #1 Duke @ #4 Wake Forest for some hot and wet ACC b-ball action on ESPN.
• Obviously LOST on ABC at 9:00, with the the "enhanced" version of last weeks episode at 8.
• For all you masochists out there, American Idol at 8:00 on FOX. Spoiler Alert: Simon gets cheeky, Paula is wacked out on vycoden, the new broad is trying to hard, and Randy is being Randy.
• On TBS there's a Tyler Perry's House of Pain marathon. Call me a racist, but that show and Tyler Perry are unbearable.
• NBA basketball; Warriors vs. Mavs on ESPN2 and Knicks vs. Hawks on MSG.
• On NatGeo, Inside Air Force One & Inside Marine One, back to back, starting at 8 if you missed it the first time around. (They replay it again later in the evening).
• For those of you that really love horrific reality TV, there's a new episode of the Real World:Brooklyn at 10, supposedly this year includes and angry gay dude and a sheltered Mormon that think's they are bringing the cool....when in all actuality they are sucking at life. On VH1 is real Chance of Love....never seen an episode but the commercials make me want to kill the VH1 executives.
• And of course, Top Chef at 10:00, it's Super Bowl cooking throw down, the remaining contestants cook-off against "all-stars" from previous season.......ooooh, exciting.

Enjoy......

File under: What the F&%*

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he apparently caught the wrong signals from a local raccoon, and he tried to rape the unsuspecting animal. In a fit of rage, the rightfully defensive and angry animal bit Kirilov's penis off.

Plastic surgeons are working to try and reattach his junk.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

Wow, if there's anybody in the world that deserves a penis less than this guy it will be a very short list. I'm trying to fathom how much Stoli it would take to find a raccoon attractive. Even if I did reach that level of inebriation, I'm pretty sure I'd try smooth talking my way into that raccoons pants. After all, my rep within the animal kingdom is pretty solid.

Hip-hop video of the day

Nas - Halftime from Illmatic, one of my top albums of all time.

Gay penguins get married.

No joke folks. Two Gay penguins in a Chinese zoo have tied the knot.

According to the The Sun (UK), the lovely couple were once given the cold shoulder at the wildlife park in China for stealing heterosexual couples' eggs to nest as their own. But after being allowed to try out with eggs rejected by their mothers the couple have become the zoo's best penguin parents. Now keepers at Polarland Zoo in Harbin, north east China, have rewarded their devotion with a wedding day.

One wore a tie and the other was dressed in a red blouse – a traditional Chinese bridal colour – as they stepped into their icy wedding room to the music of the Wedding March.

I spoke to a walrus who attended the reception, and apparently it was fabulous. The bride looked fierce and the cake was to die for. Apparently some of the seals left early. This is no surprise considering seals are notoriously Christian conservative right wingers.

The happy couple did plan on opening a quaint bed and breakfast in Northern California, but changed their plans due to the recent Prop 8 vote.

Ashlee hates everybody talking about Jessica's big thighs.

The blogosphere went wild yesterday screaming about Jessica Simpson's weight. Apparently, the size of her waste is directly related to our economy, and as her ass grows, so does the national unemployment rate.

Ashlee Simpson, in a fit of rage due to nobody paying attention to her sisterly rage, used her blog to let the world know that she was offended:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.
All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.
Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?
Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Can somebody remind Ashlee Simpson about her plastic surgery? Ashlee should know that fug faces come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and that because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard. Somewhere Ashlee's old nose is crying.

FYI - Fat ass Jessica Simpson dates overrated and underachieving fraud of a football player, Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo.

Bart hearts Xenu and Tom Cruise.

As I listened to this, a little bit of me died inside. Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, has recorded a mass message to promote a night with her at the Scientology center. During the message she goes in and out of the Bart Simpson voice that has made her a ridiculous amount of money over the past 20 years.

Cartwright will be auditing with OT-7's. Thankfully I have no idea what that is, but I can tell you that if you send me $50, I will heal you.

Clash of the Titans.

I pay absolutely no attention to Jessica Alba or Bill O'Reilly or TMZ, so this ongoing mega-celebrity feud got past me until this morning.

Apparently Jessica Alba, who has the super power of becoming less hot whenever she speaks, called O'Reilly an "a-hole" - see it here. So then while having a back and forth with a reporter regarding O'Reilly, Alba said,"Be neutral about it, be Sweden!" Alba then took some flack for not saying Switzerland, so TMZ and O'Reilly questioned her intelligence.

Professor Alba released this via her MySpace page;

"Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people...it's so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: [Wikipedia link] if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!"

Wikipedia does say that I'm a hot, sexy mess, so apparently it's always right.

Really important news that's vital to the existence of the U.S.

While President Obama was bunkered down with Republican leadership to try and get his new bailout proposal pushed through, Yahoo! Food provided us with the realy important news of the day by answering the age old question - What is the Best - and Worst Fast-Food french frie.

You can see what the results are here. I didn't care enough to actually read the "article." Instead I searched the web for a picture of a hot chick eating french fries, and you would be surprised at the amount of fast-food based porn out there. No, I mean it. It's pretty effin disturbing to see all the creative ways people can use a Big Mac for supposed pleasure. *Please insert your own special sauce joke here.

Dumb football commercial people.

'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

PETA claims that this commercial was banned from being played during the upcoming Super Bowl telecast for being to racy. You can read NBC "list of concerns" here, but since I'm assuming you have better things to do with your life, here's a few of NBC's gripes (without all the annoying commentary by some PETA blogger.......yeah, bloggers are pretentious, self-righteous dipshits).

-licking pumpkin
-touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli
-pumpkin from behind between legs
-rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin
-screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)
-asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina
-licking eggplant
-rubbing asparagus on breast

I read that list, and the only thought that goes through my mind is some sort of dirty joke that includes me mentioning meat. You know, as in meat like a guys private area, and how that's what missing from that sexy salad. I can make jokes like that because I am a legendary lover, just ask anybody. This is common knowledge, so if you didn't know this about me, you're just pretty stupid and annoying, and I hate you.

Chris Paul is ill.

For those of you who are urban-inclined, Chris Paul is a professional basketball player, that plays the PG position for the New Orleans Hornets. "Ill, as defined by the Urban Dictionary as "cool, tight, sweet." To be used in a sentence, "Yo, that Beat was so ill."

Chris Paul is becoming the best PG in basketball, and last night almost hit a quadruple double with 27 points, 10 rebounds, 15 assists, and 7 steals.

Paul might be able to dominate me on the court, but have him come at me on the Jacks court. I'll be hitting threesies and foursies on his ass, and then as he's slowly gaining his dignity back, I come with the tensies, and just make him feel like the little bitch that he is.

Why I hate Miley Cyrus. (My bitterness towards life kinda on display).

Where does my feelings of hatred come from you ask? Do you mean aside from the lack of talent, and being the offspring of the man who painfully and unmercifully unleashed the mullet and a God awful county line dancing fad into the mainstream all at once, is not enough?

What if I throw in an upcoming movie career that will no doubt be a commercial and artistic failure, yet no end will be in sight? See: Jessica Alba. Followed by her blabbing about her wanting to take on more serious roles. Like when she spouts off here....were she speaks about wanting to get nude in a movie. I think she needs to sit down with Jamie Lynn Spears for career/life advice, and then do everything exactly the opposite.

I can up the ante and include more horrific computer enhanced pop music to be unleashed onto the masses, crushing even American Idol in terms of lack of soul and genuine feeling.

Finally.....wherever the paparazzi will be, taking staged...uhhh, I mean candid, photo's of Ms. Cyrus, Billy Ray will not be far behind, creepily stalking in the shadow's, hiding is unnatural lust for his daughter. Okay, okay. I can't confirm that he's a weirdo that wants to sleep with his kid, but every picture they take together feels so wrong, and makes me want to scrub my body with vinegar and bleach.

Somebody call the Israeli's and Palestinian's. I think hating Miley Cyrus could become a way to unify us all.

Swifter, Higher, Stronger, Irreleventer???

In a couple of weeks, as we get the chance to do every fourth summer, we will fall in love with some athlete who dedicates their life to being the best, at a marginal, widely unpopular sport, that will lead to bankruptcy or a semi-successful career in Europe or Asia.

You guessed it, the Olympics are coming, live and direct from the heart of modern day Communism. Yes, those cuddly human right violators extraordinare's......the People's Republic of China!

Yahoo! Sports, in an effort to give a face to the US Olympic team (and drive traffic back to their Olympic site so they can actually make money - sorry stockholder), has asked Olympians to pick their perfect athlete. There is nothing of note here, the same names pop up as always. Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Martina Navratilova, Muhammad Ali, and blah, blah, blah.

The bigger question is, will John Tesh be doing the play by play for gymnastics again? How can you not be a fan of this jack of all trades? From Entertainment Tonight anchor, to his new age/Christian music compositions, this impregnator of Connie Sellecca and devoted Trekkie, has taken his Aryan all-American good looks to new heights. I for one can only salute the work of John Tesh.

John Tesh, god speed my friend......god speed.

Somewhere, Bea Arthur is sad.

Estelle Getty, the diminutive actress who spent 40 years struggling for success before landing a role of a lifetime in 1985 as the sarcastic octogenarian Sophia on TV's "The Golden Girls," has died. She was 84. Getty, who suffered from advanced dementia, died at about 5:30 a.m. Tuesday at her Hollywood Boulevard home, said her son, Carl Gettleman of Santa Monica.

Dementia, ugh, that sucks. Nothing worse than being found 12 blocks from your house in your pajama's while thinking it's 1964.

Growing up, the highlight of my week was a Saturday night filled with sexually themed jokes made by 60+ year old women. Golden Girls scarred my youth. I actually thought that Blanche was hot.....excuse me, I need to go suppress some memories.

Let's pour some prune juice out for our fallen homegirl. Thank you for being a friend.

The Spears family is the sign of the apocalypse.

OK! Magazine has America's favorite whore Jamie Lynn Spears on the cover of this weeks issue, of course, holding her new child....who better get used to being barefoot. I'm actually surprised that the baby isn't wearing a potato sack. I'm far from a prude, but do we really need to promote a 16 year old girl getting knocked up on the cover of a magazine that values 16 year old girls as one of it's key demographics?

I hate that this kid is going to be a part of my life. Her whole Cheetos and ultra tight jean short life will be documented for all of us to see through the pages of the tabloids for years to come. Get ready for all the birthday party pics with headlines like "Uncle KFed a no show" and "Aunt Britney gets drunk off Raspberry Arbor Mist with her 6 year old niece."

To those who blamed porn and tequila for the down fall of our society I say for shame.....for shame!