Chris Paul is ill.

For those of you who are urban-inclined, Chris Paul is a professional basketball player, that plays the PG position for the New Orleans Hornets. "Ill, as defined by the Urban Dictionary as "cool, tight, sweet." To be used in a sentence, "Yo, that Beat was so ill."

Chris Paul is becoming the best PG in basketball, and last night almost hit a quadruple double with 27 points, 10 rebounds, 15 assists, and 7 steals.

Paul might be able to dominate me on the court, but have him come at me on the Jacks court. I'll be hitting threesies and foursies on his ass, and then as he's slowly gaining his dignity back, I come with the tensies, and just make him feel like the little bitch that he is.

Why I hate Miley Cyrus. (My bitterness towards life kinda on display).

Where does my feelings of hatred come from you ask? Do you mean aside from the lack of talent, and being the offspring of the man who painfully and unmercifully unleashed the mullet and a God awful county line dancing fad into the mainstream all at once, is not enough?

What if I throw in an upcoming movie career that will no doubt be a commercial and artistic failure, yet no end will be in sight? See: Jessica Alba. Followed by her blabbing about her wanting to take on more serious roles. Like when she spouts off here....were she speaks about wanting to get nude in a movie. I think she needs to sit down with Jamie Lynn Spears for career/life advice, and then do everything exactly the opposite.

I can up the ante and include more horrific computer enhanced pop music to be unleashed onto the masses, crushing even American Idol in terms of lack of soul and genuine feeling.

Finally.....wherever the paparazzi will be, taking staged...uhhh, I mean candid, photo's of Ms. Cyrus, Billy Ray will not be far behind, creepily stalking in the shadow's, hiding is unnatural lust for his daughter. Okay, okay. I can't confirm that he's a weirdo that wants to sleep with his kid, but every picture they take together feels so wrong, and makes me want to scrub my body with vinegar and bleach.

Somebody call the Israeli's and Palestinian's. I think hating Miley Cyrus could become a way to unify us all.

Swifter, Higher, Stronger, Irreleventer???

In a couple of weeks, as we get the chance to do every fourth summer, we will fall in love with some athlete who dedicates their life to being the best, at a marginal, widely unpopular sport, that will lead to bankruptcy or a semi-successful career in Europe or Asia.

You guessed it, the Olympics are coming, live and direct from the heart of modern day Communism. Yes, those cuddly human right violators extraordinare's......the People's Republic of China!

Yahoo! Sports, in an effort to give a face to the US Olympic team (and drive traffic back to their Olympic site so they can actually make money - sorry stockholder), has asked Olympians to pick their perfect athlete. There is nothing of note here, the same names pop up as always. Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Martina Navratilova, Muhammad Ali, and blah, blah, blah.

The bigger question is, will John Tesh be doing the play by play for gymnastics again? How can you not be a fan of this jack of all trades? From Entertainment Tonight anchor, to his new age/Christian music compositions, this impregnator of Connie Sellecca and devoted Trekkie, has taken his Aryan all-American good looks to new heights. I for one can only salute the work of John Tesh.

John Tesh, god speed my friend......god speed.

Somewhere, Bea Arthur is sad.

Estelle Getty, the diminutive actress who spent 40 years struggling for success before landing a role of a lifetime in 1985 as the sarcastic octogenarian Sophia on TV's "The Golden Girls," has died. She was 84. Getty, who suffered from advanced dementia, died at about 5:30 a.m. Tuesday at her Hollywood Boulevard home, said her son, Carl Gettleman of Santa Monica.

Dementia, ugh, that sucks. Nothing worse than being found 12 blocks from your house in your pajama's while thinking it's 1964.

Growing up, the highlight of my week was a Saturday night filled with sexually themed jokes made by 60+ year old women. Golden Girls scarred my youth. I actually thought that Blanche was hot.....excuse me, I need to go suppress some memories.

Let's pour some prune juice out for our fallen homegirl. Thank you for being a friend.

The Spears family is the sign of the apocalypse.

OK! Magazine has America's favorite whore Jamie Lynn Spears on the cover of this weeks issue, of course, holding her new child....who better get used to being barefoot. I'm actually surprised that the baby isn't wearing a potato sack. I'm far from a prude, but do we really need to promote a 16 year old girl getting knocked up on the cover of a magazine that values 16 year old girls as one of it's key demographics?

I hate that this kid is going to be a part of my life. Her whole Cheetos and ultra tight jean short life will be documented for all of us to see through the pages of the tabloids for years to come. Get ready for all the birthday party pics with headlines like "Uncle KFed a no show" and "Aunt Britney gets drunk off Raspberry Arbor Mist with her 6 year old niece."

To those who blamed porn and tequila for the down fall of our society I say for shame.....for shame!

Nothingness has never been so fantastic.

When you get a free moment in your busy life, go to this site My Damn Channel. It's a bunch of comedians and people who think they are comedians hosting videos that they either create or just think to be funny. It's a good time, great way to kill 10-15 minutes.

Below you'll find one from Harry Shearer's (voice of Mr. Burns, bass player from Spinal Tap, and co-star of my favorite SNL skit ever, see here) channel. It's a compilation of moments before an interview, or an on air spot, that are broadcasted but never seen due to commercials. Those with satellite see this all the time. There's not much action, but I found it hypnotic. There's something about nationally renowned cunt (sorry) Ann Coulter chewing nicorette.

Just plain dumb.

A $20 million payday awaits the undefeated WBC welterweight champion, Floyd Mayweather, when he takes on Big Show as part of WWE's "WrestleMania XXIV" at Citrus Bowl in Orlando, Fla., on March 30.

"It's entertainment. You have a chance to just be you and do what you want to do," Mayweather said Monday after a chaotic Staples Center event that masqueraded as a news conference.

At 5-foot-8, 150 pounds, Mayweather gives up big numbers to the bald Big Show, who stands 7-feet and weighs 430. "I weigh three times as much as he does," Big Show said. "It's not fair, but I'm a businessman and I see an opportunity for business."

This Big Show guy is effin huge. Does Mayweather get to use an axe or a bat. Does he get to chloroform Big Show first? Oh wait, did we forget that WWE was effin fake?

I think it'd be funnier if Mayweather got to sleep with Big Show's daughter (if he has one). Call me somebody who stereotypes, but I'm assuming Big Show is a huge redneck with a huge redneck fan base. According to my pretend encyclopedia, the only thing redneck's hate more than black people, are black people sleeping with their kids.

Now that's entertainment.

Oh look links, how cute.

- To help facilitate a comeback, a sober Lindsay Lohan decided that she needed to expand on the dozens...uh few hundred...people she had already showed her goods to. In NY Magazine, Ms. Lohan will be recreating Marilyn Monroe's last nude photo shoot. She may be a skank, but she's a damn good looking one. Links are both to Defamer and NY Mag. Hi res pics on WWTDD.

- The last time I saw 5 white dudes on a basketball court, all on the same team, was a movie starring Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper. No word on if the picket fence was run or not.

- Former First Lady Nancy Reagan was hospitalized in LA over the weekend, due to a fall. Mrs. Reagan is doing well. She is 86 years old.

- From Idolator. Apparently it hasn't been long enough since R. Kelly pissed on a 13 year old girl that people have forgotten. R. Kelly had an affair with his former publicists daughter, who is reported to be above age, and her parents are pissed, (pun definately intended). Hmmm, must've been during school hours. Zing!

- Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has been criticized for plagiarizing a speech during a campaign stop this past weekend and not being upfront about it. See the comparison below, and here.

The modern day hot foot.

I'm not one who likes to give any praise to anything Philadelphia Phillies, but this is pretty funny. Resident baseball douschbag Brett Myers apparently likes to set up pranks when not pitching, or hitting women.

Phillie Assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr. and Manager Charlie Manuel, helped Myers to set up pitcher Kyle Kendrick by telling him that he was traded to the Japanese powerhouse Yomiuri Giants for a player named "Kobayashi Iwamura."

The quote Myers, they got Kendrick "hook, line, and sinker," even though trades between MLB and international leagues are prohibited. Props to the media, Kendricks agent, and othe rplayers involved for pulling this off. Even more props to Brett Myers who apparently didn't verbally assault anybody, call anybody a retard, or hit a woman during the duration of this prank. Great restraint Brett, class act all the way.

See the prank below.

America's Got Taste

Paris Hiltons new movie, "the Hottie and the Nottie" made a total of $27,696 during the first three days of its release. It was released on 111 screens, and with my superior math skills I conclude that that comes out to about $250 per screen.

This has been widely panned as one of the worst movies ever made, but it's not like horrific reviews has ever stopped people from going to see a flick. I'm hoping this is the bell ringing on the public's tolerance of Paris Hilton, meaning that idiots everywhere woke up from a deep sleep with the revelation, "why do I continue to pay attention to this pampered, slutty, idiotic, stupid, moronic, ungrateful, annoying, tramp?"

More importantly, who are the freaks that collectively spent this $27K? Do we have to keep them alive? Isn't this enough evidence to prove that they are a danger to our society? We should cancel deer hunting season, and from here on out hunt Paris Hilton fans and supporters. Man, that'd be fun. I'd finally have a reason to buy a gun.

Owen Wilson is funny.

Below is a clip of Owen Wilson guest hosting the Ellen show. This might be the first time anything on the Ellen show made anybody laugh. Good job Owen, great to see your back on your feet.

Democrats Hate Baseball

If anyone wasted 4 hours like myself there were a couple major points you could pull out of the congressional hearings of Roger Clemens.

1. Members of the Republican party love Roger. They spent the entire hearing beating up Mr. MacNamara and destroying his credibility.

2. Now that Roger has left baseball "gotten off the secret sauce" he is looking chubby.

3. Andy Petitte is no longer on Rogers Christmas list.

4. I can only begin to imagine the cost of this mess on capital hill, not in Roger's credibility but to us as tax payers.

We blew millions of dollars for 2 guys to spend 4 hours saying "No you are the liar!" Call your local political rep., and let them know that you dont appreciate your tax dollars spent on questions like, "What uniform will you where into the hall of fame?"

In good news the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue has been released this week. What makes the issue so great is no longer the images, but rather the men and women who subscribe to SI and immediately write to Sports Illustrated to cancel their subscription. And to those 5 people I will laugh at next issue; Cheers!

The bigger boat in the sky.

Roy Scheider, a one-time boxer whose broken nose and pugnacious acting style made him a star in "The French Connection" and who later uttered one of cinematic history's most memorable lines in "Jaws," has died. He was 75.

Scheider earned two Academy Award nominations — a best-supporting nod for 1971's "The French Connection" in which he played the police partner of Oscar winner Gene Hackman, and a best-actor nomination for 1979's "All That Jazz," the semi-autobiographical Bob Fosse film.
But he was perhaps best known for his role as a small-town police chief in Steven Spielberg's 1975 film "Jaws," about a killer shark terrorizing beachgoers — as well as millions of moviegoers.
In 2005, one of Scheider's most famous lines in the movie — "You're gonna need a bigger boat" — was voted No. 35 on the American Film Institute's list of best quotes from U.S. movies.

You can talk Jaws all you want, but I will always think of Scheider as Capt. Nathaniel Brideger from SeaQuest DSV. Hey, never underestimate a bearded guy with a pet dolphin.

Please don't go to rehab.....please!!!

Amy Winehouse is a train wreck extraordinaire. Her performance was the highlight of this past weekend's Grammy awards. If you haven't had the chance to see this phenomenal performance, see below.

I like Amy Winehouse's music, a lot. Add that amazing voice to an out of control wack job and you have a great live performance. I would say that she is Britney Spears with talent, but I think it's more like Britney is Amy Winehouse without the talent. Regardless, at the end of the day both lovely ladies make you feel good about your life.

Before you watch, a few quick notes. Why is Cuba Gooding Jr introducing her? How bad is the Grammy's that the best performance is coming from 3,000 miles away. I'm not sure who has more rhythm, her back-up singers, or her stumbling. Finally, what the hell was with the 5 seconds of Morris Day & The Time at the end of Rehanna's performance? What a joke. Those dudes have soul,and know how to work a stage.

Amy Winehouse performs at '08 Grammys
by TheDlisted

Oh, sweet misery.

Forbes.com released it's list of America's Most Miserable Cities. Topping the list is Detroit, Stockton, CA, and Flint, MI.

Wow, so Michigan is doing real well, with two of the top three cities on this list. The larger ciies that appear on this list are New York City, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Los Angeles. The main reasons that these cities appear on this list is commuting time and the digustingly high real estate prices......amen and amen. Providence, Charlotte, and Modesto, CA round out this fantastic list.

I think this list is pretty damn accurate. I'm the proof in the pudding. Try commuting 45 minutes each way, giving up a whole paycheck to a landlord, and then walk around with a big ole smile on your face. I swear, the laughter comes pouring out of you.

More hot and wet primary action.

Over the weekend it was the job of voters in Kansas, Washington State, Nebraska, Louisiana, and a very special Democrats only primary in Maine. Ooooh, so exclusive. Here are some links.

For the lack of a better term, Obama has wiped the floor with the former first lady. He gave her the proverbial bitch slap, and apparently took the lead in the Democratic primary race. He won Maine!!! You can check out Politico.com for the jist on yesterday, and the win in Maine today.

Huckabee won Kansas. Surprise!! The guy who doesn't believe in evolution won the state that voted against teaching the theory of evolution. See Wonkette.

After a rough weekend Hillary is shaking up her coaching staff, including her campaign manager. When shit goes wrong, you don't fire the players, you fire the head coach.

Cable hottie.....

Olivia Munn is a "actress", model, and the host of G4 TV’s Attack of the Show!, and an all-around hot chick.

For those not familiar, G4 is E! for so-called geeks. They provide coverage of the annual Comic-Con, which is an international comic book convention, and various Tech and Video Game trade show/conventions, and offer programming geared towards the 17-35 year old male. Of course the programming is littered with good looking broads who seem to know, or at least pretend to know, their way around a Playstation controller, such as Morgan Webb, Layla Kayleigh, and Kristin Holt. It's a solid channel, but lets get back to the lovely Olivia Munn.

Ms. Munn, or should I say the future Mrs. Fine, will appear on the cover of this month's Complex magazine. The photshoot is Olivia Munn recreating memorable poses/moments from some memorable movies. Such as the Phoebe Cates pool scene from Fast Times, and anything Kelly LeBrock from Weird Science. You can see the whole gallery here.

The beauty of the current state of cable television is that there are way too many channels, and there's a sea of "talented" women chomping at the bit to get their shot. Of course some of these ladies are intelligent and know what they're talking about, but let's be serious here. Most of these ladies on the fringe, upper-100/200, channels are great looking wind tunnels that can read from a tele-prompter, and have no problem feigning interest to the second rate Ryan Seacrest standing next to them. From the Reality Channel, to the Jewelry Channel, to Versus, to the Fine Living Channel, there are enough openings for skanks to go around.

While we're on the topic, Complex did a pretty good interview with Ice Cube, check it out.

What the eff....???

If you have yet to take a shower today the video below will be your motivation. In fact you might want to substitute the soap and a washcloth with bleach and steel wool.



For more awesomely creepy fun and excitement you can check out more videos with these highly trained thespians here.

Nah, the NFL don't stop......

There are various ways to prove that the NFL and MLB are the top two leagues. Whether it's TV ratings, the high number of fantasy teams/leagues, player endorsements, and of course off-season popularity.

The MLB hot stove, free agent market, is highly entertaining and due to the lack of a salary cap trading is a more frequent occurance, which adds drama to the months leading to spring trading. There's not many trades within football and due to shorter careers, NFL rarely has that high profle free agent drama. But the NFL does have a highly popular, immediate impact draft. It's not even a week after the New York Giants won the championship in one of the more entertaining Super Bowls, yet the NFL draft experts are in full swing. Tom Coughlin, the head coach of the Giants, had said himself that he, his coaching staff, and the front office, won't get a chance to fully enjoy the post-season success until they get through the draft.

Scouts, Inc. Todd McShay is a bad hair incident away from taking Mel Kiper Jr.'s job as NFL draft expert.......which I'm sure many already think it's already his. His mock draft is here, you need to be a ESPN Insider to read it, fyi. Hey why not join, with a subscription you also get the worlds worst sports magazing in the mail...but I digress.

McShay likes Matt Ryan, the Boston College QB, as the first pick in the draft going to the Dolphins. Witht he normal cast of characters accompanying Ryan at the top of the draft such as Darren McFadden, Chris Long, Jake Long, and Glenn Dorsey.

The afforementioned Kiper, has the same crew at the top of his big board, just with McFadden going number 1.

Even more off-season speculation can be found on Yahoo! Sports, with off-seaon questions posed by Charles Robinson, and Mike Florio from the SportingNews makes 10 bold predictions.

My favorite prediction is #7, that Jerry Jones will make a big splash. Two things have been proven in the NFL, a run first QB will not win you a Super Bowl, and drastic off-season changes do not automatically turn into a Super Bowl ring. Like most football fans, I hate Jerry Jones and his Cowboys, and outside of this years Giant play-off run, nothing is sweeter than watching his "face-lifted" expression when his team loses.

It's called LOST for a reason.....

I'm glad the producers of LOST got the end date for the series that they needed. This is a show that needs structure and direction. Every episode where nothing happens, where questions is answered, and more questions are presented is a waste of time.

Season 4 has hit the ground running. I've pretty much given up on trying to figure out what's going on. Just about every theory that was formed during season 1 and 2 has pretty much been debunked. I believe there are 46 episodes remaining, which leaves a lot of time for any of the current theories to be thrown out the window as well.

I've been liking the flash forwards, the introduction of new characters, and the "24" stance they have taken regarding the characters. We know that Jack, Hurley, and Kate leave the island with 3 others, but aside from that, no character is safe.

Here's a link the the Entertainment Weekly weekly recap, and also to http://www.4815162342.com/, which has forums you can read through or join if you like. Anybody with theories, or guesses, please let me know, or leave within the comments. One to think on that somebody brought up to me today, Benjamin's man on the boat is Michael and/or Walt.

My god, you know a show is good when it turns manly, bearded, beer drinking, sport fans such as myself into an obseessed geek.