King of New York

New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter has landed in tax trouble with the state of New York. State officials say the shortstop owes the state back taxes for claiming to live in Florida when his actual residence is New York City. The claim could cost the shortstop millions of dollars.

Wow, talk about a dent in the formerly dentless armor. Up until today, all Jeter news was either about the starlets and debutantes he's banging, or his clutch hitting and championship rings, or his boyish good looks. Now he'll be associated with bilking the government out of millions of dollars, and I'm hoping as an envious male, that this slows down the Jeter express from running through every piece of celebrity ass out there.

I'm tired today, so instead of an ultra-witty comment full of snarky sass and attitude, here are a few pics of girls that Derek has violated. Love him or hate him, the dude has one impressive resume. God bless his penis. Enjoy.

SURPRISE!!!!!!

Barry Bonds, baseball's home run king, faces prison time after being indicted on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice that stem from his denials under oath that he used anabolic steroids and that his personal trainer injected him with performance-enhancing drugs.
The indictment alleges that Bonds lied to a federal grand jury 19 times. He is scheduled to appear in U.S. District Court in San Francisco on Dec. 7.

Well, nobody saw this coming. Anything involving Barry Bonds and steroids use is complete entertainment, from watching those 400 foot HR's to his surly denials to the leak grand jury testimony, and of course his long time mistress posing for Playboy.

I for one want more steroids use by Barry. I'd love to see his head grow another 2-3 inches and fly into a 'roid rage during the trial, and storms his way out of the courtroom destroying everything in his path. After he wreaks havoc throughout downtown San Francisco he has to be taken down by the National Guard, it'll take no less than 14 tranquilizer darts. Well, now that's a stretch, I'm just hoping for a little slice of OJ when it comes to this.

Probably the best part of this is that for 15-20 hours , this Bonds news made everybody stop talking about Alex Rodriguez. It's safe to say that both Scott Boras and my sanity truly appreciate this.

yawn....Peavy wins the Cy Young.

Jake Peavy has been announced as the NL Cy Young Award winner by unanimous vote, as we predicted earlier. Peavy lead the league in wins, strikeouts, and ERA, the pitching triple crown.

The San Diego ace received all 32 first-place votes and finished with 160 points with Arizona's sinkerballer Brandon Webb, last year's winner, was a distant runner-up with 94 points. He was listed second on 31 ballots and third on one. The Dodgers Brad Penny finished third in the voting. Cincinnati's Aaron Harang was fourth and Chicago's Carlos Zambrano came in fifth.

There's absolutely no controversy here, which makes it boring. So boring in fact I just poked myself in the eye with a spork just to remind myself that I could feel something. Could I get sued if I accused Peavy of being a white supremacist? Or gay? Or a gay white supremacist? Meh, even if any of that was true it's still unexciting. Here's a pic of Carolyn Murphy to spruce things up.

Co-ed Naked Gambling

Here's a little rundown of some of the College Footballs game to watch this weekend.

Of course....Ohio State at Michigan - Wolverine coach, Lloyd Carr's future is apparently tied to the outcome of this game, even with his team being far from the picture of good health with both Hart and Henne hurt. The winner of this game will be Big 10 champs, and will get an invite to the Rose Bowl. The loser of this game get to be coddled by thousands of drunk and loose freshman women....poor guys.

Duke at Notre Dame - The battle of the 1-9's. The only problem here is that Duke is one of the worst college football programs in history, and Notre Dame is arguable the most storied. Duke has nothing to lose, not to mention that Duke's O-Coordinator was ND's OC last year, only to be one of Weis's scapegoats, (along with the D-Coordinator), after they were blown out during last years Sugar Bowl and was unceremoniously dismissed of his duties. A Notre Dame loss here would be astonishing, and we'd probably witness Charlie Weis eat Jimmy Clausen in disgust.

West Virginia at Cincinnati - First off, yes, you are reading correctly, Cinncinnati. Apparently over the past few seasons they have very quietly built a program and are now a top 25 team and in the hunt for the Big East title. If West Virginia can pull this out they have a viable claim at playing in the BCS Championship game. I'm a Big East fan, but I have to say, Cinncinnati has as much marketability as a pedophile serial killer. I'll be waiting for the highlights.

Iowa St. at Kansas - For those who love a shake-up to the norm and Kansas, you must be mumbling "Rock! Chalk! Jayhawk!" in your sleep. If you are, then God help you and may you find the proper help. I'd like to see Kansas go undefeated for no other reason than getting to see their morbidly obesse coach roam the sidelines. I swear if you look closely you can catch him sneaking a rib from his pocket every few minutes.

The Houston Texans hold their cheerleaders in high esteem.

Lets be honest about the state of cheerleaders in sports. They used to be those peppy, slightly chubby chicks who run along the sidelines and keep the crowd into the game, despite what's happening on the field. Then somewhere along the lines they became glamorous, as we were able to witness with the Laker Girls and the Cowboy Cheerleaders in the 80's. Now we're stuck we these skanks who are a metal pole shy of having dollar bills thrown at them, and are always "currently in school to become a beautician."

To help promote this glorious image of a pious and conservative nature, the Houston Texans decided to treat their cheerleaders like cars. On the Texan cheerleaders site you can check out the lovely ladies. By clicking into their profiles you can also see their hopes and dreams, favorite CD, and favorite movie. While you're there you might as well make them dance, which is wildly entertaining, and accompanied by the always classy 360 degree view. The most popular seems to be rookie Randi, along Gina Gershon look-a-like Janna, and sisters Larisa and Marisa.

I think the WNBA needs to look into this web set-up. There's nothing more attractive than a 6'4 Albanian chick with a uni-brow dancing and on display.

Phil Jackson is inappropriate, yet still remains zen.

Phil Jackson may find himself in hot water due to comments he made following the Lakers Tuesday night 107-92 loss to San Antonio, where the Spurs made 13 3-point shots. When Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters Jackson said, "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts. It was one of those games."

As we all know, Brokeback Mountain is a movie about to gay cowboys, rawhide, and roping steer. A spokesman for the NBA, Brian McIntyre said, "The remarks are in poor taste, and the Lakers have assured us such remarks will not occur in the future."

Man Phil, I think it's a good joke. "Penetration and kickouts", it just works. You could have also said, "What do you want me to tell you? We might as well have been watching Sex In The City, we just played like complete fags today." Or maybe something along the lines of, "San Antonio completely ass raped us out there today, it was like an episode of Oz." You'll see that I also included a picture of Christina Applegate from her teenage years. Why her teenage years? It brings us back to simpler times, when irresponsible and derogatory comments were the norm and went unaddressed. Some might refer to them as the good ole days.

California Dreamin'

As the winter marches in like a lion, the suitors for the service of Alex Rodriquez has not. The one formerly known as A-Rod has officially bit the almighty hand that has fed is over paid butt for the past 4 years. Yes folks, this is a direct shot at a man that has officially requested through Scott Boras that he is worth $350 million dollars over 10 years. Well Alex, lets see what that breaks down to over the life of this contract.

First pretty simple $35 million a year, and this is where it gets interesting; $95,890.41 a day or for a complete work week of five days like the average Joe that is $479,452.05 per week. Alex you still wonder why people hate you? Well pretty simple, you are requesting a sum of money that will pay you more money a day than most people in society make in a year. How could anyone expect a man of your regular season stature to take a minuscule pay scale, (that was offered by the Yankees and turned down), and would only pay you $68,493.15 a day?

To quote the great Latrell Sprewell, "How is a man suppose to feed his family." Good luck Alex, maybe if you end up in L.A. people there are more likely to allow you to buy their friendship. I hear Survivor & Surreal Life wannabe's and reality show wash ups are looking for a 4th member in an inspired domino's league on Tuesday nights. Happy Trails.

Him smell green, and be irie

Apparently, Roger Goodell is tired of suspending players so he decided to reinstate Ricky Williams after an 18-month exile because of Williams' violation of the league's substance abuse policy.

Williams had written Goodell a personal letter of appeal that accompanied the medical data regarding his treatment since he had a positive test in April, which had extended his one-year suspension. They Dolphins have been notified and have yet to make a decision.

With all the thugs with arsenals in their homes, making it rain in strip clubs, and beating their wives, I find Ricky's mellow and calming demeanor to be refreshing. I think the Dolphins need him in that locker room. They have tried everything else, might as well smoke out the locker room with whatever unbelievably tasty bud he gets his hands on. Seriously, you've played football, but have you ever played football on weeeeeed man.......

Freeney is donezo

Dwight Freeney was originally expected to miss a few weeks of the regular season, and to return for the play-offs, but now the Colts are saying that Freeney might be out for the season.

The Colts signed Freeney in July to a six-year deal, paying an average of $12 million. He has 21 tackles and 3½ sacks in Indianapolis' 7-2 start. Freeney experienced a lot of pain Sunday when he suffered the injury, and had to be carted to the locker room and left wearing for the team's charter wearing a boot. Swelling in the foot is preventing a final determination of the injury. But if the prognosis is a Lisfranc(???), Freeney would be finished for this season, although the a return next year is good.

Anybody outside of Indianapolis, and possibly New England, care about this? Anybody? No, okay, let's move on and enjoy this picture of Marissa Miller in her underwear.

The Yankees love old people.

On the heals of their 4 year, $52.4 million agreement with 36 year old Catcher Jorge Posada, the Yankees have offered Closer Mariano Rivera a 3 year, $45 million contract. The deal would make Rivera the highest paid reliever in baseball by $4 million. An amount that could net 2-3 serviceable middle relievers.

"To say that's a strong offer would be an understatement," said Hank Steinbrenner. Referring to Rivera and his agent Fernando Cuza, Steinbrenner also said, "The ball's in their court. If they still want to look for more somewhere else, that's up to them." The Yankees also have a 1 year, $16 million deal on the table for Andy Petite, which is pending on his desire to play vs. his desire to retire. Mariano is 38 and Pettitte is 35.

I know, Yankee fan and observers will say that a lot of the Mariano and Posada money is due to their last 10+ years of service for the team, and it's owed to them. Soooooo, is a gold watch part of the deal as well? I understand how important those two....more so Mariano....were to the championship teams of the late 90's and the contending teams over the past 7 years. But here's a thought, how about not overpaying broken down and overrated players for the last 10 years. The genius that is Brian Cashman overlooked his team's cornerstones and decided to give piles of money to the likes of Kevin Brown, Sterling Hitchcock, Carl Pavano, etc, etc.

You know that team in your adult basketball league, the one that is filled with former HS and college basketball players, that had too much fun dominating the average fat white guy. Then overnight they became fat, old guys who get winded midway through the 1st quarter and end up giving up on defense, and cherry pick by staying on the offensive end of the floor, depending on that one young kid that finds there way onto their team. At the end of each game they compliment the younger opponent followed by a story that begins with, "back in my day." Well, this is your 2008 NY Yankees.

Dominique Wilkins, Part II

The Memphis Grizzlies defeated the Houston Rockets 105-99, despite Tracy McGrady's 41 points on 16 for 28 shooting.

This game is of no importance, it's an early game during the pointless NBA regular season, but it's a microcosm of what I fear will be McGrady's career.

I'm a fan of two types of players, the pure scorer (McGrady) and the blue collar workman (Charles Oakley), and I love watching McGrady play, plus he's a good dude wading in a sea of douchbag athlete's. While the Rocket's have started quickly with a 6-2 record, you just can't help but think everything McGrady does is just futile and will always be destined for the 6th seed in the play-offs, accompanied by a first round exit.

I wonder what Tracy had for breakfast this morning? Eggs and toast? Pancakes? Freebie from last night's high priced hooker? Whatever it was, I'm sure it was a savory dish.

The Knicks are a picture of stability.

Originally benched for missing a shoot-around, Stephon Marbury - or Starbury - has left the Knicks. So, needless to say, the Isiah Thomas/James Dolan era of the Knicks continues to progress nicely.

In a text message to NY Post columnist Marc Berman, Marbury says, "“I have one thing to say and that’s I got permission to leave. I would never leave my team on my own. What I’m telling you is that I got permission to leave from Isiah. He said I could go home.”

During a shoot around on Tuesday Isiah had alluded to Stephan joining the team in Los Angeles on Wednesday. In his previously mentioned text to the Post Starbury said, “No, I’m not coming to L.A. as of now.”

Wellllllllllllllllll, somebody is a fibber, and because of Starbury's phenomenal appearance on Mike'd Up this summer, his work with providing affordable sneakers (yes, both Stephon and I are incredibly socially conscious), and his hatred for Stephen A Smith, I'm going to believe Marbury. Plus everything Thomas has done since 1992 has been worthless and just outright horrific. Yep, that's 15 years of failing at life. But you have to hand it to Isiah, after that much failing most people end up going nuts and fall into depression. But not Isiah, he picked himself up by the bootstraps and became a con man that harasses women and convinces men with too much money that he could run their basketball franchises with complete success, then fail, yet keep his job. Score one for the side that believes there is no God.

CC gets the CY

Our self proclaimed infinite knowledge with all things sports was put in doubt today as CC Sabathia weighed-in (he he, cheap fat joke) as this years Cy Young Award winner, despite our best bet.

Sabathia, who was 19-7 with a 3.21 ERA and 209 strikeouts, pitching a major league-high 241 innings, took 19 first place votes winning the award comfortably. Josh Beckett (8 first place votes) took 2nd place, and John Lackey was back in third with one first place vote. (Apparently John Lackey's Mom is one of the voters).

Yes you cry babies, voting is done before the post-season (somewhere Rollins, A-Rod, and Peavy are happy about this), and we know that Beckett is the best pitcher in baseball. While I think the World Series and ALCS MVP might be sufficient, you can't but help to bring up that Beckett was dating Danielle Peck, yet another marginally talented, good looking chick that finds success in the seemlingly talent free country music genre. My point? He has enough. How about leaving some glory for the rest of us you greedy bastard. Well, not me at least, I find glory in my morning bowl of Cheerios.....so majestic. So delicious.

Consider the bandwagon completely empty.

The Seattle Seahwaks defeated the San Francisco 49ers 24-0 last night during Monday Night Football. The 49ers netted only 173 yards of total offense, 72 on the ground by Gore, and 114 breathtaking yards passing by Alex Smith.

I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that the so-called experts were picking this former powerhouse franchise to capture the NFC West, or contend for the Wild card at minimum. What's even sadder than the 49ers team is that they aren't even in last place in their conference. They will suit up in a battle of futility next week, facing those lovable 1-8 Rams, fresh off their first win of the year.

We should call this game "the battle for the 4th pick in the draft", wow that's catchy. The loser must take the QB from Hawaii, Colt Brennan. Kiper's hair will then explode due to frustration since he had Brennan as the 5th best QB in the draft. Kiper will then challenge the nearest person to an arm wrestling match, as he jumps on the console and rips his shirt off only to show a tattoo across his chest that reads BIG BOARD spelled phonetically in Japanese. Well, we can dream can't we....dream and eat cotton candy women dipped in BBQ sauce.

The Dolphins stand alone.

The St. Louis Rams defeated the New Orleans Saints 37-29, on the arm of QB Marc Bulger. The Saints had won four straight and were poised to take a piece of first place in the NFC South. To have their winning streak snapped by the once winless 0-8 Rams has to be heart wrenching. Although one suspects the only team that cares as much as the Saints is the only team left without a win, the Miami Dolphins.

Scoring the last 11 points of the game, the Buffalo Bills, were able to come from behind and keep the Dolphin's winless season intact. This is the 5th loss for the Dolphins of 3 points or less. You'd have to think that with Trent Green and Ronnie Brown they could have eeked out those 3+ points in one of those losses. With the Patriots heading towards an undefeated season, and the last undefeated team being the '72 Dolphins, it almost seems as if it's in the stars to be the first winless team since the '76 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

I'm rooting for both the Patriots and the Dolphins on this one. But there's something so much more entertaining about watching futility than success. I think the best part about this is that I (and you) would be able to say, without any doubt, that I could have done just as good a job as the Dolphins. I can say it now...through week 9, I could have done just as good as job as Cam Cameron. In fact, I'm going to use this as a basis to campaign for a coaching position next year. I wonder if the Cardinals are hiring? Does anybody really care if they are? While we're at it, how do you think I'd look in grey suit with a nice, subtle, red pinstripe. I think I'd look damn good, as good as whip cream nestled in a Victoria Secrets model's buttocks. So tasty and wrong.

900 King Strikes Again.

Hopefully you were flying high with the 900 King yesterday as the Red Birds were giving Herman Moore and his crew the blues. Another Smart money, 900 sepcial. Remember, I don't want your money, I want your bookies money. I know the teams better than they know themselves.